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Cecil Palan
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in cecil_palan's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, January 29th, 2006
2:09 pm
long time...
well, im not using this blog anymore, and i havent checked it in what i guess has been 17 weeks now, so i thought i come on and let you all know that im on myspace now, so if your interested you an find me, if not... oh well
Saturday, October 1st, 2005
9:56 pm
... ... ... .. .. .. .. .. .. ... ... ... ... ...
well, i'm tired. thaats really the gist of my whole being anymore. THis week i've worked 46 hours and gone to school for about 30. On top of that, tonight i was DD for my brother and his friend... tomorrowis my one day off and i will spend that mowing grass, weed eating, cleaning, and doing laundry(but i WILL watch the bengals game come hell or high water!) I'm so sick of having something to do, and yet never getting to do what i want to... i think i need to have some me time... but when... and what would i do...? ah who knows... but i'm tired...

Current Mood: tired
Monday, September 19th, 2005
11:48 am
feelings are like... weird and stuff
look at the title... nuff said? I have come to some conclusion, i'm not sure what it is, but it concludes something. A chapter in my life, a thought, a hope, a dream, a book, home cooked meal, who knows. But something has been concluded, and something has started. I have more to say, i just dont know how to say it, if you want to know, ask and i will try to explain, if not, your not hurting my feelings any...

Current Mood: confused
11:48 am
might as well...

No matter how random, revealing, rude, naughty or pointless

I promise to answer them 100% truthfully

[Repost this to see what others ask you...]
11:45 am
i dont get this... plus there's a girl in the picture... i'm so confused...
You were killed during a mission or while trying to
protect someone and you died with honor. you
never regretted what you did and you are a very
brave and strong individual. You know what is
right and you are willing to stand up for it.
Even if it means death.

How did you die in your past life? (for everyone)
brought to you by Quizilla

Current Mood: meh
Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
9:19 pm
threw my eyes...
i dont know exactly how to put into words what it is i want to say... Today, nothing was out of the ordinary really, nothing exceptional happened in either a good light, nor a bad one... but for some reason today, i was unable to divert my thoughts from shelby... and the fact that she was there did not make it any easier to control. This in itself brought on a paradox of feelings, first it made me happy to remember such times... then that happiness turned into a sad longing for such things to return... thn that became angry towards her... now, in going threw this fluxuation at a somewhat rambled and almost random pace confused me, but i wanted to try and keep the conversation light... i'm getting tired of fighting and crying and what not... so through an attempt to be my irritating, but fun and flamboyant self, i joked and teased... but in an attempt to mask what was really going on, i over extenuated the irritatingness of me, and thus plunged us into a new area of unpleasantness... so, what can i do...

this also ties in with another thing i'm going threw... In talking to a friend tonight, i felt the convo was strained, as if i wasnt really wanted... rather, that i was not a person with whom they'd like to talk... but i didnt let it fetter me... i just thought it was my low self estem reering its ugly head... so i continued to talk, and as there were less and less to talk about we dropped out of convo and she went to bed... But this person, among others, is giving me the impression that any attempt to simply be myself is not enough... that who i am is not who these people, these "friends" want to talk... who knows, again it could be that low self esteem thing again, but it still doesnt shake the feeling...

but i must sleep.... everything i see is turning to fuzzzzzzzzzz

Current Mood: confused and tired
Monday, September 5th, 2005
6:32 pm
last night was weird... i planned on just staying home and reading a book... but then a friend called me, and talked me into going to the fireworks... against my better judgement, i went. So i go get them and we go, and i had a great time. Then, when i was going to take them home, my brother called and re-invited me to his party thing, and my friends wanted to come too, so we all went... sorta. I got lost, and they gave up, and left with other friends, after they left, i found it, picked up my brother and some beer and went back to his place cuz everybody at the party was already passed out except him. they started partying at like 2, so they were all pretty well done in, so was mike, but we went back to his house cuz he didnt need to be driving. Upon arrival i had about 10 beers, and i think a half, so i wasnt drunk, but i was buzzing pretty good. He passed out at like 2:30 in the morning, but i stayed up to like 4, just thinking, and reflecting and stuff. texting some people. I ended up complimenting someone in a way that would make it seem like i was hitting on them, but i really wasnt, i was just trying to be nice, and my ability to think before i text left after like the 7th beer, so i said it, and now i feel like an ass, just because i think she took it the wrong way. Also, i feel sometimes like getting drunk, but then i get disappointed in myself... i know drinking in itself, is something a lot of people do... but i feel like i do it for the wrong reasons... i dont know what it is, but it makes me feel weak... i dont know, its just something that confuses me... also when i'm drunk, i never lose control of myself and dont know what i'm doing, nor do i ever lose control of the situation i'm in... its weird, but its like im unable to let go... i dont know, but on with the story... so i pass out at like 4 or so, and i wake up at 12, and get him up to give him a ride back to his cab. We walk out to the car and my left front tire is flat, so we try to put the "spare" on, only to find that the rim is the wrong size... so we put the old flat one back on, and i go get some more fix a flat (this is the 4th time i put fix a flat in it) and put in it, then i go put air in the tire, and take him to his cab. after dropping him of, i head home. After hitting 71 north, in the middle lane, i have a tremendous blowout, no rubber left on the tire at all, sparks flying everywhere, i almost got hit by a semi truck, and i smack my face against the steering wheel and busted opend my lip... after i managed to get to the soft shoulder, i already felt like i had my ass beat 7 times over... then i got my dad to come get me, and we got another tire and put on that rim(after we bent parts of it back into place as best we could) and traded that one with one of the back tires. but during puting that new tire on, i smacked my ankle with a mini-sledge hammer, so now i'm hobbled, with a sore neck. but i did it, and put it on, so now my car is back in business... but at the expense of my vitality... but at leasyt i can make it back and forth to work and school and stuff...

the end

Current Mood: exhausted
Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
11:20 pm
to be sad, or not to be sad... that is the question...
well, what to say... i went and saw my sister edna, and my niece angie today... that was, well, not fun, nor not fun but, meh... i actually had fun at work today because a certain friend had me laughing more than i'm used to... so, today, was interesting to say the least, but, i think it turned out pretty good... i'm tired though...

Current Mood: calm
Thursday, September 1st, 2005
11:02 pm
the world turns on the heal of hope
and crushed by the leg of despair
and though all may breath the breathe of life
there will always be death in the air

it is true that a day could be mild
sunny with a gentle breeze
but there could also be a great darkness
with a gust to bring us all to our knees

Undoubtedly we welcome the good
and yearn to be free of the bad
yet the bad is here to define
all the good that we have had

So when hurricanes blow
and death and disease follow
we can not help these people
if our hearts are nothing but hollow

Never give up on hope
especially not in times of strife
because only together, and bonded by hope
can we make it through the struggles of life

I really dont know what i'm trying to say in this poem... it started out as a reply to one of my friends posts and i thought i'd try to extend it... i've just been watching the hurricane footage, and the aftermath of it, and i want somehow to help... yet i dont know how... Nor do i think what is being done is sufficient, yet who am i to question the happenings of things? Oh well, i suppose we thorow this one up to being a concerned citizen...

Current Mood: Concerned
Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
9:48 pm
my anger is getting the best of me... and i dont care...
congradulations world, the day has come to pass!!
its finally the day, you can line up to kiss my ass

Your all screwed now cuz i really dont give a fuck
i guess over time you all just ran out of luck

i'm sick of this shit and all the pain that i feel
so now its time to see if you can take all the pain that you deal

very few of you are safe from the the things that i will do
to the rest of you fucks, may what ever deighty you praise have mercy on you...

what is there to say... lifes a bitch and then you die... and instead of being sad... i'm starting to let myself get angry...

Current Mood: Pissed!
Sunday, August 28th, 2005
10:42 pm
a little poem...
please no one cry for me
cuz what i do i dont regret
it was the only way for me to be free
please... just dont forget

there's no decision left to make
i've already set my mind
for it is my life that i now take
it is a choice of the mortally final kind...

i didnt try too hard, my struggle was very meak
it is a shame that i could find no way to make it last any longer
i guess i'm just too weak
what ever does kill us, cannot make us stronger...

so i guess goddbye to you my faithful friends
i'm glad you all were here
but this is where my story ends
so i have nothing left to fear...

Current Mood: done
10:35 pm
surveys... i'm a terrible respondent...
Click here.
Take the quiz.
Post your results.
See Cecil_Palan's results.Collapse )

Current Mood: sad
Friday, August 26th, 2005
10:29 pm
questions for... me...
Why... why am i still sad... i'm so sick of being sad... but everytime i think i have a hold on myself, i breakdown... why do i continue to follow my heart when it's only lead/leading me into sadness... why do i not unleash my anger on those who put it in me... why do i continue to write... why do i keep trying... why is it that people think that i am smart, when everything i say and do contradicts that... whay can i not be handsome... why am i not an artist... why did i give up on music... why do i feel so alone... who can i trust... will i ever be able to take back my heart... will i ever be able to give it away again... how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop... who can i rely on... who wants to be with me... do i even want to be with myself... If only i knew...

the most important one is... why do i still love her... especially now... i can do nothing else... she is not malicious in what she does, yet anything that she does or doesnt do in some way hurts...

but who cares any more... i'm going to bed...

Current Mood: Perplexed
Thursday, August 25th, 2005
9:02 pm
Well, i am no better...

no worse either though i suppose...

but i have rediscovered a way to hide what i feel... reading... it has become my escape... all the tie at work and school, my face is hidden behind a book, and will be from now on... It is my new refuge... i have hardly spoken to anyone at school or work for the last week... i still desire the company, i want someone to fill the void that i have... but i dont know where to start... and i do not want to ask anyone to cross any lines to do so... so i will simply keep the void, and hide the pain... maybe, if i hide it well enough, i'll even forget its there... prolly not, but i can try...

I went to louisville today, to go to the fair, its a free day away from school, and i got to be with some friends... but i wasted a lot of gas... thats some expensive shit... but its whatever...

what else is there to say... i've engaged in very little of late... but who knows what tomorrow will bring... perhaps, it'll be something to write about...

goodnite... or goodbye... who knows anymore with the way the world is...

but, i'm still here, if ever i am needed... just call on me...

Current Mood: resigned
Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
9:21 pm
what to say...
Well... i think i'll end up quiting or getting fired from sirs in sometime in the next three weeks... you see... i work very hard for this company 7 days a week... i've had overtime for 6 weeks straight... i worked 31 days in a row... i work hard and dedicate myself to this place... and i still get little to no recognition... sirs was the last thing i had in my life that i was sure about... now i dont even have that... so lets see whats transpired in my life to this point... I had a great family and it broke up, and my dad ended up leaving me behind... my mother raised me... then she lost her mind, and left me behind... My brothers looked out for me... then they grew up and started looking out for themselves, and left me behind... i had a girl who loved me... she needed some space, then she left me behind... and lastly i had a job... i was good at it, now its leaving me behind...

I'm so tired of being... me... i want out so badly... but then i feel guilty for trying to escape... because i'm afraid to... i just want to be the happy phillip that everyone once knew, the one who didnt care about being promoted, or about being left behind, the one that even though he felt all these, he could hide it from everyone else... I've lost that ability... and i've lost the ability to keep myself from going over the edge... and this time, i dont think i'll tell anyone what i'm going to do... maybe this time i wont be stopped...

Current Mood: depressed
1:38 pm
i'm at school...
well, i got my car and my license going... but now i have a cold, and i'm running a fever...101.6
On top of that, i had a flat tire last night at work, and didnt get home till past 11:20... so i'm tired and sick... and then on top of that, the little sleep i did get was engolfed by a weird, and mostly bad dream...

This was my dream: I was at SIRS and shelby came in... she was walking, for some reason, with my friend dylans cousin(who doesnt work there) She looked as though she was high and she looked at him and said something but i dont remember what it was, but when she went into her room i grabbed nick by his shirt and slammed him against the wall and asked him if he got her high and he said to me something along the lines of "its the only way to do em man" So i slammed him through the storage closet, but then he disappeared as people have a tendency of doing in dreams, and then from behind me, nicki Gaibis came into the closet(and she no longer works there either) and was talking to me about not being right, and something had to be done, but i'm not exactly sure. She walked out, and some principals from school, Mr. Hardy and Mr. Snyder came in, and jumped me. I managed to fend them off and darted for the door, but everytime i managed to make it to the door, liz kicked me back into the room, which seemed to be slanting to prevent my escape. I finally managed to make it out of the room, but SIRS had become a black empty abyss that was attempting to pull me down, and suddenly everyone was hanging from my arms, first shelby clutching tightly to my hand, follwed by liz holding my arm, with friends dangling from them, my mother crying as she clung desperately to my brother, and the last thing i saw was justin letting go and falling, as i followed. Plunging threw the darkness, i looked up to see everyone standing safely... i was the only one falling, and no one noticed...

It was at that point i woke up to my alarm at 5:00 this morning... I woke up with a headache, and a cold. I went into the bathroom got the thermometer and took my temperature and found out that i had a fever... my day otherwise hasnt been good nor bad... but it certainly was not improve by such a vivid, haunting, ominous dream... hopefully, things get better...

Current Mood: sick
Tuesday, August 16th, 2005
7:23 am
okay... here we go...
i've started doing this whole posting thing agaian... i'm not exactly sure why... but since i have, i've had anonymous people say things like "your so immature..." as a matter of fact, someone made an aim sn last night called "u R so Immatur3" and their only thing to say was "fool" Now i don't know who this person is, its either one of two people but i will not say whom i think they are yet, more than likely i know who it is, but i would like to know if this person is still reading what i write, why am i immature, and why is it you call me a fool.

i really have nothing else to say... just that i've done a lot of writing on a site called forumnessity, i dont know if you have heard of it, but you all are welcome to come there and read my writing, along with a slur of other members. My stuffs not too good, but some of the others is pretty good...

Current Mood: irritated
Monday, August 15th, 2005
9:40 pm
the saga continues...
well, today michael gave me back my paper work with an attachment saying that they could not gurantee me the hours, that as long as i met sp(standard production) and as long as they have the hours they'll let me come in... which is understandable... but not really what i was hoping for... but its a start... also, while on the topic of work, i have started the "make phillip a monitor" petition, a friend named karen came up with the idea... i have 12 signatures... all dialers... i dont think i'll have any quality team members sign though, cuz they could make michael mad by doing so... Now, i plan on turning this in to michael, along with a resume and business cover letter(those two are required by my co-op class, i added the petition for fun) I dont think it'll do any good, but hopefully it cant hurt either... i dk... i know i have done some stupid things... but i learned from them... and my work ethic is unquestionable... so is my quality... so i dont understand what his case against me is...

but anyway, moving on from work... i have a car that works now... i am do to take the test again tomorrow... if it all works out as planned(most likely it wont) i'll drive myself to work tomorrow... my bank has credited my account for the charges it sustained for its stupid policy... so things are sorta not sucking as bad...

as far as any situation with any females is concerned... thats all up in the air... as i am the male in the situations, it is customary that i dont get to know a damn thing...

but, i am just waiting right now... the penduleum can swing either way i suppose...

Current Mood: unknown
Sunday, August 14th, 2005
8:55 pm
well... this is whats been going on...
Well, Where shall we start... Well, i guess we should start bout a week ago... dad bought me a second car that doesnt work... but we have this one working now... but he bought it with my money so thats that, then i payed school fees, and got school clothes, so i was broke... I brought the paper work in for michael to sign at work, for me to do work based co-op... he refused as it would obligate him to work me during the day... so, thats pretty shitty right...? Also their is still the lingering pain that is shelby, and the continuous pain that seems to be added every so often as a consolation prize... so i was looking for something good to happen... just one thing... surely not everything could go to shit all at once... Could it?

In addition to some hard time which i outlined above(leaving out details to spare myself the pain of recounting it) I also have been dealing with a sorta stress thing... Its hindering my ability to sleep and eat accordingly... so i have been having trouble getting to sleep, eating, and all the shit going on, life is getting pretty hectic, and over bearing...

Then, another subtle thing, something that should be insignificant, but do to a hightened irritation for things that suck right now, another added bonus hit me... It was on friday night, after work, and after my dad showed up late to get me because he had passed out, that i had once again reached my limit for dealing with life... i went home, and in the course of talking to shelby, slit the bottom of my hand with a shaving razor... just an inch above my wrist... it wasnt deep, as a matter of fact, it was quit shallow... kinda like a paper cut(the razors i buy are designed to protect against deep cuts... go figure...) but the blood was pouring out, so i thought for sure i had knicked something vital... but after a few, i treated it and bandaged it, and by today, its little more that i line with dead skin coming off of it... But i gave up after one swipe... not really wanting to die... just seeing if i had the nerve to do it... i didnt...

So, i decided that i would go out on saturday and do the one thing that has been giving me a slight feeling of peace... drink... I am actually quit ashamed to admit that i've been using alcohol as an escape from what i feel... but as i told a friend... its better than what i almost did sober... so i go out to a movie with a... sorta friend, but we'll get back to that... after the movie, we pick up some booze and go back to her place, where i consume liberal amounts of alcohol... i drank 4 smirnoff ice's and half a bottle of vodka... so needless to say, i was over my limit to drive...

well, the two females i was drinking with, had barely had anything to drink... one had the other two smirnoff and a bacardi, and the other one had 3 millers and a screwdriver... and yet, they too were way done in... i mean they're going nuts!! Pulling off clothes, and making out... trying to pull a hormonally driven, drunk, young man into their clutches... what was i suppose to do... even with as much as i drank, i still was thinking of the morality of the situation...

So, these two ar going wild, shedding clothes, i come to the final decision that, even with being drunk as an excuse, i could not take advantage of the two drunken females... so, unable to walk myself, i somehow manage to carry these two drunk brauds into the bedroom and tuck them in, and making them dress themselves... and after i somehow managed to get them to sleep it off, i stumble out into the living room, and into the kitchen, and take another shot of straight vodka for some reason... after that, i stumble out into the main room again, falling through something wooden, i think it was a wall, or something... then, i go in, and make sure they didnt wake up cuz of the noise i made, and they're still passed out... so by this time, its 7:22 in the morning, i decide, its time to crash... only to be awoken an hour later, by someone stepping on my chest... so i got up and took a shower...

We watched napolean dynamite and came to work... and i still feel like shit... but i guess, as one sows, they must also reep... and now, one of these girls wants to date... and i think i have demonstrated quite nicely, that i am not in the correct mental state to be with anyone yet... and if i could, it would not be her... i say i do not have a type... and i really dont, but i just really cant stand her... i only went with her so as to not seem rude, or hurt her feelings, and i think by doing so, i have caused myself even more trouble...

So, that is my update... what a fiasco huh... and i'm still not eating or sleeping right... but, if the fact that i had a somewhat "suicidal" attempt, dont worry... i'm fine, and am still in control of myself... so do not fret over such trivial things... i do not think i will resort to that anymore... but if i do... my friend liz has her cell back now... so i'll know where to turn... the person i talked to last time was at a loss for what to do... and in the end got exasperated with me and gave up...

alas, that is all i have to say... i do not make this a friends only page or anything... yes, all of this shows me in a bad light... it shows how really fucked up i am, and exactly what lifestyle i'm delving into... but i will not hide who i am... so read... and just see one side of me... but never asume that you know me...

Current Mood: diasappointed in myself
Sunday, August 7th, 2005
9:58 pm

Aries - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits:

You're quite the charmer. You've got the wit and attitude to attract almost anyone you meet.

Out spoken and honest, any date knows how they stand with you.

Fearless, independent, and willing to try anything twice - your dates should expect the unexpected.

Your negative traits:

You tend to be vain, and you expect your partner to feed that vanity often with complements.

Hot tempered and impulsive, you've occasionally ended things ... only to reget it later.

You're obsessed with being the best, most loved girlfriend or boyfriend your sweetie's ever had.

Your ideal partner:

A risk taking, free spirit like yourself - who can keep up with your latest wild child antics.

Someone stylish, attractive, and fit... who can keep you attracted for months.

Is hard to get - and lets you pursue things. You prefer to be the chaser, not the one being chased.

Your dating style:

Wild, unpredictable, fun, and daring. Your ideal date may involve a couple motorcycles or naked skydiving.

Your seduction style:

Honest and direct - you have no need for romance or much foreplay.

Show off. You like to show your lover how you're the best ever.

Ambitious. You often like to go all night - or aim for multiple orgasms.

Tips for the future:

Start to believe in second and third chances. You don't have to dump them so fast.

Savor the process. Sometimes the best part of falling in love is taking things in slow motion.

Let go of comparisons. If someone's with you, then you've already one. Stop worrying about exes.

Best place to meet someone online:

Match.com - honest and straightforward profiles, just how you like them!

Best color to attract mate: Red

Best day for a date: Tuesday

Get your free love profile at Blogthings.
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